Sarcastic Patient Pillows

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'Caesar salad?'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"We should never take walks like this more often."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"I'm not whining."