Sarcastic Patient Pillows

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Caesar salad?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"We should never take walks like this more often."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"I'm not whining."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'