Sarcastic Drinker Pillows

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

Know-it-alls

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'