Sarcastic Drinker Pillows

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Men working (part time).

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Didn't we fire you last week?

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."