Sarcastic Celebrator Pillows

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Happy new year!"

'He lost his whistle,'

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

Big Brother.