Sarcastic Celebrator Pillows

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

Redhead

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"Happy new year!"

'He lost his whistle,'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Big Brother.

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.