Sarcastic Celebrators Pillows

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"OK, now here comes the lava."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

"Med school was a blast."

Big Brother.

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.

I wish I never had to ride on another bus for as long as I live. Is there a Greek God of cabs I can pray to? I think his name is "Hackus." Bus.