Sarcastic Celebrators Pillows

'great win, kids! Let's celebrate... My treat!!'

Redhead

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

'He lost his whistle,'

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"OK, now here comes the lava."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

Big Brother.

"Med school was a blast."

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

Duh Magazine