Sarcastic Entertainer Pillows

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

How About Serving Us For a Change

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'He lost his whistle,'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."