Sarcastic Sailor Pillows

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

Titanic 2024: "Nope, no icebergs left."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.