Sarcastic Seeker Pillows

"No, I have not let Jesus into my life, as he might ring the doorbell when I'm dozing on the sofa."

German Expressionist Breakfast

'The Burrito King.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

"My New Year's resolution is to acknowledge the dog, but you know how hard resolutions are."

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Trump to Build Wall

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'