Sarcastic Seeker Pillows

"No, I have not let Jesus into my life, as he might ring the doorbell when I'm dozing on the sofa."

German Expressionist Breakfast

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

'The Burrito King.'

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"...it was believed that anyone who displeased it would meet with a terrible fate, which of course is complete nonsen..."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street