Sarcastic Scribbler Pillows

Affordable homes coming soon - 'If they build these then our house will become affordable...!'

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Exciting potato bugs.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Redhead

"Those are the failed attempts at my first novel."

I'm currently working on my autobiography. Would you care to help make page 327 interesting?

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

My old recipes have so many food stains they're practically scratch and sniff.

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'He lost his whistle,'

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

'They've agreed to our 3-book, 7-figure offer, but only if you remain obscene and obnoxious through book 2.'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

Men Not Working.

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'He's just come back from a 'stress management' course.'

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."