Sarcastic Note Sender Pillows

'May I have your card? I'll be sending either a thank you, or a screw you note.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'Caesar salad?'

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

Thomas Carlyle

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

Men Not Working.

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

The final reward for a writer... 'R.I.P. At last a deadline I can live with!'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Big Brother.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.