Sarcastic Card Sender Pillows

"We have a new card line called 'It Must Be Nice'. Congratulate your friends, but with a hint of bitterness."

Personalized Tax-Return Mailers.

Another day at work would be one too many...

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

'Caesar salad?'

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

'Republican Valentines' They really love the word 'NO!'

'May I have your card? I'll be sending either a thank you, or a screw you note.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

"You should have called me earlier."

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"I'm weaning Bob from the TV. That's a placebo remote."

People who ghosted me

Mower Fraud!

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'