Sarcastic Gift Giver Pillows

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

'All our appliances come with energy saving device - off/on switch.'

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Fast Food Menus

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

Personalized Tax-Return Mailers.

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"