Sarcastic Gift Giver Pillows

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

The Golden Book of Lying & Cheating

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

'All our appliances come with energy saving device - off/on switch.'

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Didn't we fire you last week?

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Fast Food Menus

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

Personalized Tax-Return Mailers.

"A birthday gift card? Really?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'It was a strange Christmas this year - Everybody gave me breath mints.'

"We have a new card line called 'It Must Be Nice'. Congratulate your friends, but with a hint of bitterness."