Snarky Gift Giver Pillows

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Mighty Man Of Justice Goes Christmas Shopping Part 1

Another day at work would be one too many...

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

Some cars need a backseat steering wheel.

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

"It is my place!"

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"Great news! Jim at work's promised to lend me all his World Cup DVDs"

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

Traffic calming ahead.

Bagel problems.

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

WC problem.

Shop for cats

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

"This locket contains my very first username and password."

Knowing that Roger loathed the new cat, Janelle tried to win him over by knitting him a pair of boxers made out of fur balls.

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'