Sarcastic Gift Lover Pillows

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

How About Serving Us For a Change

Family heirlooms that will never make it onto the mantelpiece.

Joke Shop product - Not Funny After 10 Sept 87

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'All our appliances come with energy saving device - off/on switch.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"The 10th anniversary gift is tin. I got Ralph a new tinfoil hat. He's more sedate with the extra channels."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

About Santa 2017.

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

'Why so early?'