Sarcastic Gifter Pillows

"My wife said I had to get flowers for my mother-in-law....I don't suppose you have any dead ones laying around?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"For my will I decided to cut out the middle man and bequeath all my money to the IRS."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"I'm not whining."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"Fetch!" "Sorry, I'm on a break."

'Remember, guys, there's no 'I'll kill you before I ever budge an inch on any position' in TEAMWORK.'

Sometimes a Good Excuse to Get off the Telephone is Hard to Find

"I told my boss there weren't enough hours in my day. He said that's why they invented the night."