Ironic Gift Lover Pillows

"And when the time comes the company will put you to sleep at its own expense."

Rat race - happiness is just around the corner.

"That rat trap you sold me is no good. My husband hasn't been near it!"

Christmas kiss

'Thank you dear, I'll never part with this present!'

Eve reads sign: Try the new apple diet lose pounds instantly.

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous.

TV Guide Advises 'Go Out!"

Year ends not with a bang but with a whimper

"I can't believe you bought a lottery ticket, Dad. I thought you didn't believe in gambling."

Complaints: "Don't make me angry - you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry!"

'And you get this free.'

'You'll be happy to know, John, that our age difference is no longer a problem.'

Execution

'Stay on your diet.'

'Not only did Jim live beyond his means, judging by his gold-plated casket, he died beyond his means.'

The Grim Reaper visits an alarmed looking man in hospital bed.

"Don't you ever miss the hustle and bustle of the old tar pits?"

Crap Stuff Shop.

"This call may be recorded so we can make fun of how crazy you sound when you're angry."

"We were out of embalming fluid so we stuffed your wife with wild rice."

Cupid's arrow deflates a sex doll

"Every Sunday, the same thing: we watch the ducks from Bow Bridge, I think about pushing you in, and then we go to that stupid Mexican place."

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"Shouldn't have, you really."

Cat on Computer Keyboard.

Joke Shop product - Not Funny After 10 Sept 87

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

"I can't afford to feed you."

'A free goldfish with every house you buy!'

"I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station!"

The Penultimate Temptation of Christ

Fast Food Menus