Socially Awkward Gift Giver Pillows

'It was a strange Christmas this year - Everybody gave me breath mints.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Take my tip,sonny and say it with jelly babies.'

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"And at no extra charge I can give your old suit a Viking funeral."

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

This year Mike decides to make his own Valentine's cards.

"Remember when we talked about how you send mixed messages. . ."

"Shouldn't have, you really."

"Now that's a great number if you want to be protected from the entire environment."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

"Recycled, Wayne, we'd prefer 'recycled'."

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

'You did want him wrapped, didn't you?'

Quicksand Swamp - Cheap Burial Plots.

WC problem.

'I'd be more impressed that you bought me flowers if you didn't take a job as a delivery boy to get the employee discount.'

Shop for cats

Rent-a-Drama: "How many tweens will you need for your event?"

Frankenstein's Monster receiving birthday present.

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Cow Christmas anxiety dreams!