Gift Gaffe Appreciator Pillows

No, I don't want any Wheat Futures for my birthday.

Lactose Intolerant

Rent a Room With Hot Water

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"I think you've overfed the plant!"

"Tell your assistant it's perfect."

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

Viking with bike handlebars on helmet.

Chilli Quartet

Welcome centre

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

Father Goldfish: 'One day Son, this will all be yours.'

"...so you then developed an addiction to buying toilet rolls. Wasn't that rather expensive?"

"One large with cheese, pepperoni and grass clippings."

'I guess a facial hair removal kit isn't a good anniversary present.'

"I sense a change in the weather! So I bought you this..."

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

'When I asked for a bottle of house red...'

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

'It was a strange Christmas this year - Everybody gave me breath mints.'

'Get her a teddy bear I said, not a bear in a teddy!'

'The last thing I knew he was on a plane to an obedience school in Omaha!'

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

optician

'I'm lousy at picking out gifts. Last year I gave her money, which was great until the dye-pack exploded.'

"My wife's bra size? I don't know, about like this I guess."

"An old man uses a stick grabber to pick up a cigarette."

It's the thought that counts: Totally useless gifts.

Man says: 'It's got quite a nose ... I'm getting notes of nutmeg, a whiff of autumn harvest and rain-sodden undergrowth, and with a tart, elderberry finish. Not bad for a urine sample, eh Doc?'

'If I really was, do you think the kids would have even bothered to buy me a gift?'