Gift Gaffe Appreciator Pillows

No, I don't want any Wheat Futures for my birthday.

Lactose Intolerant

Rent a Room With Hot Water

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"I think you've overfed the plant!"

"Tell your assistant it's perfect."

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

'That pretty much kills my appendicitis diagnosis.'

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Viking with bike handlebars on helmet.

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

Welcome centre

Chilli Quartet

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

Father Goldfish: 'One day Son, this will all be yours.'

"One large with cheese, pepperoni and grass clippings."

"...so you then developed an addiction to buying toilet rolls. Wasn't that rather expensive?"

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

"I sense a change in the weather! So I bought you this..."

'I guess a facial hair removal kit isn't a good anniversary present.'

'When I asked for a bottle of house red...'

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

'It was a strange Christmas this year - Everybody gave me breath mints.'

'Get her a teddy bear I said, not a bear in a teddy!'

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

"An old man uses a stick grabber to pick up a cigarette."

'The last thing I knew he was on a plane to an obedience school in Omaha!'

'I'm lousy at picking out gifts. Last year I gave her money, which was great until the dye-pack exploded.'

"My wife's bra size? I don't know, about like this I guess."

optician

It's the thought that counts: Totally useless gifts.

Man says: 'It's got quite a nose ... I'm getting notes of nutmeg, a whiff of autumn harvest and rain-sodden undergrowth, and with a tart, elderberry finish. Not bad for a urine sample, eh Doc?'

Mitt shoots off his own feet.