Quirky Gift Giver Pillows

"I'm like Santa, but for 'Season's Greetings.' Here, have a box of cotton swabs."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

"Hey, I've operated on this guy before—there are my initials."

'Oh, just send it the cheapest way.'

'Say it with Timber'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

Cards: Get Well Get hit by a Bus

'These amusing novelty pencils shaped like frankfurters, taste really good.'

'Do you think it was a good idea to send all our patients fruitcakes?'

"Health and safety so you could keep the arrows as long as you remove the chips and replace the love potion with oat milk."

Masky Christmas!

The perfect lemming murder.

Sidewalk Freebies

Bouquets that say what you can't

Grapes Drinking Blood

The Perfect Gift! Warning: Not suitable for Valentine's Day, Birthdays or Anniversaries.

"He's got no teeth, Einstein. Besides, he's a vegetarian."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Apparently removing my reproductive organs wasn't enough."

A Guide To Lousy Gifts

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

"This tooth fell out, so he gave me a tip and left."

"...now she's up tp a jumper a week."

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

'I got it for Father's Day.'

"I'm sending in Mr. Baxter ahead of the others to be interviewed. He's made a very good first impression."

'Well, so much for climbing all the way up here to ask him about the meaning of life.'

"Welcome to hell!"

"The party was a total surprise! Everybody jumped out and screamed 'Happy Birthday' just as I was licking my balls!"

"Well it might be a Valentine's present...but I'd be careful just in case it's his stool sample!"

'Darling, I want you to have this lock of my hair to remind you how much I love you.'

WC problem.

Cow being clamped for milk.