Quirky Gift Giver Mugs

"I'm like Santa, but for 'Season's Greetings.' Here, have a box of cotton swabs."

'We may need to remove your spleen because it might not be doing whatever it is the spleen does.'

"Hey, I've operated on this guy before—there are my initials."

'Oh, just send it the cheapest way.'

'Sorry Mrs. Tassone, I ran out of apples, but my puppy's even better. he's got tons of worms.'

I THINK when OXFAM suggested you buy a goat for Xmas...They meant for the third world!

'Say it with Timber'

My therapist cured me of using humour as a defense...these days I pack a .45.

Cards: Get Well Get hit by a Bus

"This locket contains my very first username and password."

'These amusing novelty pencils shaped like frankfurters, taste really good.'

'I couldn't afford flowers, but I got a really good deal on Kenny G.'

'Do you think it was a good idea to send all our patients fruitcakes?'

Knowing that Roger loathed the new cat, Janelle tried to win him over by knitting him a pair of boxers made out of fur balls.

"Health and safety so you could keep the arrows as long as you remove the chips and replace the love potion with oat milk."

'I got it for Father's Day.'

Hannibal Lecter Christmas Stocking

Masky Christmas!

The perfect lemming murder.

Sidewalk Freebies

Happy birthday!

Grapes Drinking Blood

The Perfect Gift! Warning: Not suitable for Valentine's Day, Birthdays or Anniversaries.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"I'm sending in Mr. Baxter ahead of the others to be interviewed. He's made a very good first impression."

Hang on – I need to take a photo for proof of delivery.

Buy Me and Stop One! (Flak Jackets).

That must be my computer date... (Answers door to robot).

"It's not a moustache kiddo: It's nasal hair..."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

Computer hacking

"...now she's up tp a jumper a week."

"This tooth fell out, so he gave me a tip and left."

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

I'm worried about Uncle Mort. He's still in jail for refusing to reveal his secret source? Not just that. It's his relationship with Sadie. I feel like … What? She says she wants him back, but I'm not sure. Why would you say something like that? Your sweetie made you a saw with a cake in it. Oooh.