Sarcastic Card Collector Pillows

Mower Fraud!

"Happy birthday or whatever, Mary. Now make yourself useful and fetch me something to eat." "Geez, Nancy."

'It's a 'don't get well' card from the temp who now has your job at the office.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Honest Voting Stickers

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

'After a Gadzillon glasses of milk and cookies who wouldn't have an upset stomach?'

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I never question your ability. I never even mention it.'

"You have such beautiful eyes."

'All our appliances come with energy saving device - off/on switch.'

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

"You should have said you only wanted a trim. . . I'd have sent you to the barber next door."

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

Who Typexed out the grass?

Fertility Clinic - "Who wants to be mother?"

'One more thing -- My Dad says that if you bring me one more 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' tape, he'll rip off your beard and set fire to it.'

Valentines for Things

“We need eggs, milk, bread... Oh, and get an extra-large tub of outrage. We’re running low.”

'According to his stats, this right-fielder hit .317 and is 50 in stocks, 30 in bonds and 20 in cash.'

'Relax Mrs Flanagan, I've never known a high fibre exorcism to fail yet!'

2After using the Internet all day, Brad doesn't like any kind of popup."

"That's a nasty cavity. That is why it is so important to brush your hair."

Parp!

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

Happy birthday to you!

Kebab doner card

"It's unrealistic for us to have a chimney, tree, or stockings, so you can forget about Santa."

Personalized Tax-Return Mailers.

'Re-gifting has become socially acceptable, dear, but re-carding is going a little too far.'

Tooty-Fruity

"'Fancy a shag', I think this one is from Dwayne!"

Happy Xmas

'I almost forgot...Happy Birthday!'