Sarcastic Texters Pillows

'I got your text-message marriage proposal... and I've answered you by snail mail.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'He lost his whistle,'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

Men Not Working.

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"I see that there's an excellent sale on diddly-squat at the Zilchtown Mall in Nowheresville, New Jersey."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."