Sarcastic Sweetie Gifts

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

The canteen food's pretty awful...

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."