Sarcastic Sweetheart Gifts

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'Aww, how cute. They sent you a valentine subpoena.'

'With us it was loathe at first sight.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You'll do."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"I'm not whining."

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."