Sarcastic Sweetheart Mugs

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Aww, how cute. They sent you a valentine subpoena.'

'With us it was loathe at first sight.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"You'll do."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"You know, crime doesn't pay... at least at your level."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

"You're taking this 'King Of Beasts' thing too seriously."