Sarcastic Dater Mugs

"I loved your E-mail, but I thought you'd be older."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

"Whoa ... hints of rotting carcass, putrid skunk flesh, bear dung, and dead fish. It's fabulous!"

"Of course I listen to you. How else would I be able to mock you?"

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

How was your oatmeal, Sadie? Is everything good? Can I get you anything else? Wait a second, what's that flapping? Somebody, run to the window and tell me if you see a pack of hogs flying by! Has the sky fallen? Has hell frozen over? Has the sun risen in the west? Have chickens grown teeth? Has a donkey climbed a tree? This is the first time in 16 years that you've bothered to ask me how my meal's going, is what I'm saying, you worthless baboon! I wonder why.

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"