Sarcastic Dater Pillows

"I loved your E-mail, but I thought you'd be older."

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"You must believe me, Jane. I have excellent narrative skills."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"Of course I listen to you. How else would I be able to mock you?"