Sarcastic Soulmate Gifts

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. My sincerest condolences to you both."

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

"You'll do."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

"I'm not whining."

Didn't we fire you last week?