Sarcastic Snacker Pillows

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

Breakfast surreal.

'I would kill for a truffle.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

"The Mashed Potato Casserole with Creamed Spinach, Baked Egg and Garlic is half price tonight, sir. It's horrible."

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

"Oh, knock it off! It's only cream of asparagus."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

Hey Gus, I've managed to steal some crackers and some grapes too...

'I'll have a BLT sandwich -- hold the 'B'.'

'I like home cooking if it's in someone else's home.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"How's the diet going?"

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

'I'll have the Pollack salad, and a glass of house wine.'

'I've decided to help you diet. I had invisible fencing installed around the refrigerator.'

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.