Sarcastic Snacker Pillows

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

'...And as suburban sprawl continues to grow, many people are finding themselves living uncomfortably close to their wildlife neighbors.'

Breakfast surreal.

'I would kill for a truffle.'

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

Cookie Thief

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

"The Mashed Potato Casserole with Creamed Spinach, Baked Egg and Garlic is half price tonight, sir. It's horrible."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

"Oh, knock it off! It's only cream of asparagus."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

'I'll have a BLT sandwich -- hold the 'B'.'

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Hey Gus, I've managed to steal some crackers and some grapes too...

'I like home cooking if it's in someone else's home.'

"How's the diet going?"

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

'I've decided to help you diet. I had invisible fencing installed around the refrigerator.'

'I'll have the Pollack salad, and a glass of house wine.'

'Excuse me, ma'am, there's a fly in my...'

Don't lie to me

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'