Antisocial Snacker Pillows

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'...And as suburban sprawl continues to grow, many people are finding themselves living uncomfortably close to their wildlife neighbors.'

'I would kill for a truffle.'

Breakfast surreal.

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

"You want me to explain how there were two doughnuts in the larder and now there is only one? Easy, it was too dark in there to see the second one."

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

Meditation Munchies

"That summit Johnson! Our goal is the summit!"

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

"You may have the weight of the world on your shoulders, but that's not why you're 10 pounds heavier."

Hey Gus, I've managed to steal some crackers and some grapes too...

Reasons to avoid training No 234 - "I was on my way to the gym but then I heard that the DOW JONES had fallen 2.5%."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

This movie cost $300 million and you're surprised by the price of popcorn?

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

"I'm putting you on a skipping diet. . .Skip cakes and wine."

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

15 Second Grocery Delivery

And so begins another evening of serious hobnobbing

Zombies eat brains, eh? Some TV shows do, too.

Breaking Bad Wind

'Are you genetically modified? - Then you'll love our G.M. food.'

'Most people wouldn't wantonly eat the hors d'oeuvres if they hadn't read the book.'

"He eats whatever he wants and never gains weight? Well, that's grounds for divorce right there!"

Candy 50c All Sales Final.

"Social networking lets me be social without actually having to be around other people."

"I was too anxious to sleep, too sleepy to work, and too lazy to go to the kitchen."

Bakery. Any weight I lose can easily find me again by following the trail of crumbs.

Carbonated hot dog water

"Where's a plague of locusts when you need one?"