Regretful Snacker Pillows

Candy 50c All Sales Final.

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"You were right, I didn't want to stop."

'I would kill for a truffle.'

Breakfast surreal.

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

Meditation Munchies

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

"That summit Johnson! Our goal is the summit!"

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Biscuit?' 'Leave it in the in-tray for the morning.'

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

"I'm putting you on a skipping diet. . .Skip cakes and wine."

Don't lie to me

This movie cost $300 million and you're surprised by the price of popcorn?

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

His condition is known as Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.

I can't find the artisanal Pop-Tarts.

And so begins another evening of serious hobnobbing

"He eats whatever he wants and never gains weight? Well, that's grounds for divorce right there!"

"I was too anxious to sleep, too sleepy to work, and too lazy to go to the kitchen."

"I've hidden all the emergency chocolate in the fruit bowl, it'll be quite safe there."