Guilty Snackers Pillows

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"I'm a monster."

'I would kill for a truffle.'

Breakfast surreal.

"Don't tell coach about this- he doesn't want us to be friends."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

'I don't care what the timer says - my nose says they're done.'

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

"Croissants? Donuts? Chocolate? Good price, madame! Good price!"

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

Cookie Thief

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

"How's the diet going?"

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'I tell you Eddy, I just love a sport where you can eat while you play.'

'I've decided to help you diet. I had invisible fencing installed around the refrigerator.'

"I'm putting you on a skipping diet. . .Skip cakes and wine."

This movie cost $300 million and you're surprised by the price of popcorn?

'Obese brother'.

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.