Guilty Snackers Pillows

'Making these snacks low-fat was great because substituting sweetener for fat made them even more addictive.'

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"I'm a monster."

Breakfast surreal.

'I would kill for a truffle.'

"Don't tell coach about this- he doesn't want us to be friends."

"Croissants? Donuts? Chocolate? Good price, madame! Good price!"

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

Shortly Thereafter, They Would Make Sweeping Changes To Their Policies.

'I don't care what the timer says - my nose says they're done.'

'I've decided to get serious about losing weight. I moved the refrigerator out of my bedroom.'

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

"The pizza guy wants to know what floor we're on."

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

"My smarthome just sent me a text saying it's a mess, so it doesn't feel like having visitors right now."

'The movie started 40 minutes ago.'

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

"How's the diet going?"

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'I tell you Eddy, I just love a sport where you can eat while you play.'

This movie cost $300 million and you're surprised by the price of popcorn?

'I've decided to help you diet. I had invisible fencing installed around the refrigerator.'

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

'Obese brother'.

"I'm putting you on a skipping diet. . .Skip cakes and wine."

Don't lie to me

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.