Surreal Snacker Pillows

Breakfast surreal.

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"You were right, I didn't want to stop."

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Alexa, tell me ways I can be less of a lazy slob who won't get up to turn off the lights."

Well, O.K., so you found fast food, but what's the hurry?

"Whosoever pulleth this sword from this stone, and can eat just two or three of these double-chocolate Amaretto things without finishing the whole box, shall be king born of England!"

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

Cookie Thief

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'OK, remain calm. Who's missing? Milk? Eggs? Cheese? Where'd they go? How much do they know? And will they talk?'

'We've been through thick and thin. Tell me about the thin again.'

"That summit Johnson! Our goal is the summit!"

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

'I couldn't get the beans out of the toaster.'

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

Don't lie to me

'I'll have the Pollack salad, and a glass of house wine.'

"Sergio, you know I don't snoop...but I was in Baldo's room this morning...and I found this."

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

"Gracie, you can't leave Animal Crackers all over the place!"

'Are you genetically modified? - Then you'll love our G.M. food.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

I can't find the artisanal Pop-Tarts.

And so begins another evening of serious hobnobbing

Book Burp

'Most people wouldn't wantonly eat the hors d'oeuvres if they hadn't read the book.'