Quirky Snacker Pillows

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"The bagels are better in New York."

"I'm very health conscious. I only eat animals that are vegetarians"

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

Tzatzikicicle

"Who ordered the moose en croute?"

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Breakfast surreal.

"Do you have anything on the menu without maple syrup on it?"

"It's just like the regular stew only it's got some bits of matter in it we can't identify."

"Sorry no half portions - at least that's the quantum theory."

De ja vu soup - 'It was yesterday's 'soup of the day'.'

'You're pushing food round your plate.' 'No, it's moving on its own.'

Happy Meals for Grown Ups

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

'And you didn't think there would be any customers for liver-flavored cupcakes.'

'My husband eats like a bird - Do you have regurgitated insects?'

"I do diet...between snacks."

"Mom says I should eat differnt colored foods. I'll have a pizza with jelly beans."

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

'You dunk your donuts your way...'

"I recommend the pimento loaf with pickle. It's bursting with umami."

"There are 12,000 species of ants... and you prefer worms?"

"We grind our own catnip."

Cookie Thief

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

"Your steak's prepared in the firebox of a 17th century tank engine - unfortunately sir, the chef can't confirm if it has 0-60T wheel arrangement or not."

Waiter to diner: 'I'm going to return you to the main menu.'

'I've decided to give up giving up!'

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

"I'll have the pork in cider...easy on the pork"