Junky Snacker Pillows

'Your diet is so bad that your arteries are all blocked, but the angioplasty should open things up and get the maple syrup flowing again.'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"Blood pressure 210/140. Heart rate 185. Steps taken 29. Sedentary 9.5 hours. Calories burned 19. You da man! Oh, and you're out of pork rinds." "Our classics TV marathon featuring 'Gunsmoke' will continue after..." "The unfitbit"

'When the doctor told you to warm up before exercising, I don't think he meant with hot chocolate and hot cross buns.'

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

Breakfast surreal.

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"I do diet...between snacks."

"Get those things away from me- I can't stop eating them."

'Don't take it personally... he doesn't know I'm here either.'

Cookie Thief

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Fresh hamsters on a stick.

"Let me guess. You want a happy meal."

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

'Where did you get the idea that crackers are a minimum daily requirement?'

Man fishing and eating potato chips Title: 'Fish and Chips'

"I never know if pumpkins are right to bring to a meeting."

"Dad, what is a meal?"

Factory raised chickens. . .Free range chickens. . . Chickens that crossed the road.

Don't lie to me

'It's just like a burger from a fast food place. You wouldn't believe how tough it was finding disodium guanylate.'

Sometimes, instead of one big meal, I prefer tapas.

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

'It's just a few things your concession stand doesn't carry - fried chicken, potato salad, pumpkin pie...'

Dave figured out if he added green food coloring to his milkshakes everyone just presumed he was drinking a kale smoothie.

'Are you genetically modified? - Then you'll love our G.M. food.'

I can't find the artisanal Pop-Tarts.

Book Burp

"I don't care if it is the best value... next time we're just getting a MEDIUM popcorn!"

Cull people who eat big bags of potato chips during a movie.