Lover Of Sarcastic Wit Pillows

Insultant: A type of consultant who is hired to point out your inadequacies. (Not to be confused with mother-in-law, a term for a person who will perform the same service for free.)

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Bureaucracy gone mad!

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

The Modern Damocles -

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

The Unknown Philosopher, who first realised life is no picnic.

ENNUI...(smiley face).

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Leaders must focus on strategic planning and desired results."

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

Well done, Harris. That's one of the straightest paperclips I've ever seen.

Know-it-alls

Art Vandalism

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Never to be seen again!"

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

'A role model? Yes, I suppose he was. Everywhere he went, people would say 'That's Bill Fenton... You don't want to be that guy!''

"Allow me to explain the terms of our easy payment plan."