Lover Of Sarcastic Wit T-Shirts

Insultant: A type of consultant who is hired to point out your inadequacies. (Not to be confused with mother-in-law, a term for a person who will perform the same service for free.)

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Beckett for Beginners: "Waiting for Thumbkin"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Bureaucracy gone mad!

'Probably giving evidence at some sort of industrial tribunal....heh!'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

The Modern Damocles -

The Notre Dame Five Year Restoration Plan Swing Into Action.

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

The Unknown Philosopher, who first realised life is no picnic.

ENNUI...(smiley face).

Bureau of Missing Door Knobs

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Maybe I will and maybe I won't - You're not prejudiced against transvestites, are you?"

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Leaders must focus on strategic planning and desired results."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

Well done, Harris. That's one of the straightest paperclips I've ever seen.

Art Vandalism

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

"No one is denying that you're smart. For that to happen someone would have to say you're smart."

'A role model? Yes, I suppose he was. Everywhere he went, people would say 'That's Bill Fenton... You don't want to be that guy!''

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

Men Not Working.