Lover Of Sarcastic Humor Pillows

"We can't get those wasted years back, Mrs. Kerner. The best we can hope to accomplish is to make his remaining years miserable."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Crap from the future.

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

The Snarky District

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

"I love these old decorations!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'