Sarcastic Spouses Pillows

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"Thanks for your meaningful application. When can you start?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death."

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"So, we've processed your loan application and I'm afraid that it doesn't look too promising!"