Sarcastic Bride-to-be Pillows

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

Bureau of the Damned

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

#1 Jerk-off

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

People who ghosted me

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"