Sarcastic Bride-to-be Pillows

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

Bureau of the Damned

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

Didn't we fire you last week?

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

People who ghosted me

"You should have called me earlier."