Sarcastic Spouse Pillows

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

"All in black! Who died?"

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"And do you, Stephanie, promise to love, honor and 'obey'?

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Didn't we fire you last week?

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'Honey! Come quick! I just putted four balls into the jelly jar with my new grip!'

"You should have called me earlier."

"I'm at my wits end."

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'