Sarcastic Swinger Pillows

'Honey! Come quick! I just putted four balls into the jelly jar with my new grip!'

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

Golfing Bishop.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"How about fashionably never?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"I should've done this years ago. All the good ones got taken."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

"Remind me again—what do I usually promise you so you'll take on extra work?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'