Satirical Sweetheart Gifts

"Oh, yes, Paul—whisper sweet sponsored content in my ear."

Old woman with a government improvement grant meeting with a cosmetic surgeon

"I love you, you big fool."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

David Niven caricature

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

'No. It's not a past girlfriend. I'm a tort lawyer.'

"Sometimes Ben does very dumb things. I love that in him."

"Okay, so the current occupants are being tormented by supernatural forces, but they do agree to pay closing costs."

'I'm afraid we only publish A list celebrity cookbooks.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'We rape, pillage and kill. THAT'S our corporate mission statement.'

'You can come out now, Harold. Economists say a recession won't happen.'

I don't care if you did win the bloody X-Factor. You're dealing with the H-Factor here.

"Speed daters! Say hi within the hour!"

Roach Motel

'The gravy? Was that 'boat' or 'train', sir?'

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

"Curious and curiouser."

"We love Santa, but Santa didn't know as much about investing as he thought he did."

"Well, you did say that you were just looking for something to get you started on the property ladder."

"They're free Valentine's Day gifts...chocolate flavored dental floss."

Queen Ranavola of Madagascar executed any of her subjects who appeared in her dreams....

"This one's different, mummy, he wants me for my brain."

'My latest invention...the credit rock!'

"So why do they call you Big Dog?"

Unreal Estate.

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

'You're lucky she didn't press charges. Never touch a woman eating ice cream.'

"I've got nothing on for the next few months, do you fancy sex?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'