Idea Cynic Pillows

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

The Forever Stamp

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

If all else fails, give up.

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

Gullibility Test $1.00.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

When Stupid People Get an Idea

Will Self deprecation

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."