Therapy Cynic Pillows

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

The Forever Stamp

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

Someday

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Famous Oxymorons...

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

Gullibility Test $1.00.

Will Self deprecation

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."