Medicine Cynic Pillows

'You have hypochondria... are you allergic to placebo?'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

The Forever Stamp

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

Someday

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

Gullibility Test $1.00.

When Stupid People Get an Idea

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

Space Tours. Ernie, in this interview promoting your space tours, you didn't acknowledge the first test rocket was vaporized in a huge launch pad explosion. I said "The first test yielded spectacular results!" There's nothing about your lack of a system to provide oxygen for the travelers. I informed people "the experience will leave you breathless!" Lots of your technology is straight out of the 19th century! I said "Come be a pioneer!" It seems most of your company's effort went into th

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"