Medicine Cynic Pillows

'You have hypochondria... are you allergic to placebo?'

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'You gonna finish that lemon peel?'

"Nihilistic customer service"

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

The Forever Stamp

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"At the end of the day it's just a sunset."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

When Stupid People Get an Idea

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"Oh well - same shit, different day. . .!"

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"