Health Cynic Pillows

'Let's talk about your smoking problem.'

'Don't worry. Writing out my check is the only exercise I recommend...'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

The first accurate poll.

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'What you need is some negative growth.'

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.

'You are on a sickie you skiving little...'

'It seems so festive.'