Health Cynic Pillows

'Let's talk about your smoking problem.'

'Don't worry. Writing out my check is the only exercise I recommend...'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

"Since Dr Mullin's ill, a temp from Manpower will perform your liver transplant."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to start an aggressive course of billing you."

'Good news and bad... Medical science can't cure you, but we have some marvelous support groups.'

'Well we could operate. That would give you something to talk about. But that would get old quick, and them you'd be even more boring.' Why the dull rarely seek help.

"I'll let you in on a little secret -- every pill on these shelves is a placebo, and I have no formal training."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

"If you don't feel better in a few days give me a call and I'll completely ignore you."

'You'll be happy to know there's nothing wrong with you. That will be four thousand, three hundred and eighty two dollars.'

Sadie, I don't want you to stay in this relationship just because it's convenient. I think the counselor would agree. Counseling $10. Wow. Of course. Counselors never tell you what they think. I think we're overpaying.

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

The first accurate poll.

'What you need is some negative growth.'

Dr. Nutrition, would you say our tuna sandwiches could prevent hair loss? Dr. Nutrition. Given how furry you are, I'll take that as a yes. I will tell our customers the great news. I really appreciate your input, Dr. Nutrition. You are a valued scientific authority. The key to a successful scam is maintaining the pretense at all times.

Doctor, I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead. Don't believe everything you read on the net.