Health Sceptic Pillows

"I'm prescribing an alternative therapy and laughing up my sleeve as I do so."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

Safety Barriers

'Incidentally, our health insurance has limited eye coverage.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

"Tarzan hate frivolous lawsuits."

'Extreme acupuncture.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"And if Ooh, Eeh, Ooh Ah Ah doesn't work, we'll try Walla Walla Bing Bang."

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

Toilet roll beauty tips.

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

"Your medical insurance doesn't cover 'Acts of God' like illness"

'Can I trust a Doctor whose prescriptions have absolutely no side effects?'