Classy Cynic Pillows

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

The Forever Stamp

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'I hate my life.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Bush vs. America

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

'Huh! Nobody home!'

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

Sucking Up to Gen X

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

"Man, I'm sooooo bored!"

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

Information and Still don't get it.

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."