Classy Cynic Pillows

Rich man vomiting euros to a beggar.

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

"In two million years from now people like me will still be very rich tanks to idiots like you!"

The Forever Stamp

"I hate weddings. They make me feel a momentary lapse of cynicism."

'I hate my life.

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

"Happy anniversary, Clare. How'd you make it so many years?" "Figured it wasn't worth the prison time."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

"At Ermbruster Academy you son will acquire indispensible life skills."

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

"Diogenes, this is Washington, D.C. It's probably the worst place to look for an honest man."

"Robust, full-bodied bouquet with just a hint of bitter, mean-spirited despair."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"I think once Qadyn is exposed to other 7-year-old nihilists, he’ll really start to blossom."

Man with t-shirt: 'I think, therefore I don't vote'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

Useful Degrees:"Bachelor of Waitressing

Information and Still don't get it.

"I started out looking for an honest man and settled for a guy with creative bookkeeping skills."