Comedically Cynical Gifts

'So when you say 'Jesus Christ that hurts', does that mean for the purposes of patient feedback that you're happy with the standard of care?'

The Nihilist Deli.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

Obama builds own gallows.

'I've never read such stupid twaddle in all my life, I like it'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"It's been announced that there will be an inquiry into the Chilcot Inquiry..."

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

"Am I covered for the brain cell damage caused by your TV commercials?"

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

The Maybe Society

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."

'Nothing. Turn off the porch light.'

'World peace? Isn't that just an idealistic cliche?'

"President Elect Donald Trump was killed today. . . when he was crushed under the wight of his own ego."

Thank God they left out business.

"My trust in politics is limited. The dogs of the left pee on me just as much as the dogs of the conservatives."

'A penny for your thoughts, Bernie... of course I'll have to pay you later.'

'I studied the issues, reviewed the facts, considered all the alternatives and decided 'the hell with it'.'

'There goes an honest politician -- his only campaign promises are 'death and taxes.''

"And if I'm elected I promise to go with the flow."

October: When the foliage is all too fleeting...and those campaign ads are not...

I wish Mort were here. I need help with this. You can't open an envelope. It's the national radio society's annual prize results. Someone nominated me as Most Obnoxious and Caustic Talk Show of the Year. Great honor. I need Mort's moral support if I don't win. Naturally.

"I will never read that book, and I'm eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

'Everything is illusory, but television is ESPECIALLY illusory.'

There was a fly in my soup. I'd like a refund. Ok. Where's the soup? I threw it away already. Why do you need to see the soup? You don't trust me? I'm deeply offended! Sorry. Give me the receipt and I'll get your refund. The fly ate the receipt.

'There's a load of rubbish on the T.V. again.'