Comical Cynic Mugs

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

The finer points of marriage.

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

The Nihilist Deli.

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

Obama builds own gallows.

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

'Well, John, in the past two years you've gone from being extremely depressed to being basically unhappy like the rest of us. My work here is done.'

'I'm promoting you from yes-man to corporate stooge.'

"Everything has been done to death."

"I have nothing to hide."

'There's always a catch'

"MY dad says that a man calls himself a bachelor until he gets married. Then he calls himself a bl**dy fool."

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

Oink.

'Always remember, son...there's an unsuspecting public out there.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'